why I do what I do

Ok....  bear with me my fellow followers.   I am a poor soul, under the influence once again.  Pathetic?  Yes Probably, but I can't deal with life.  It sucks and I don't want to be here...right here where I am at this very moment.  Don't get me wrong, please.....I want to live!  I crave life....just not H.E.R.E.

As I've mentioned somewhere before...  in another blog, another post, or somewhere, I have failed marriages.  And I'm not proud of it.  In fact, it 's the very thing that shames me and makes me a total nut case most days.  I can't get past this fact.  I am a screw up.  I can't do it right.  I don't think I will ever get past this and learn to live with what I have done.... 

But let me fill you in on some things.......

Why I do what I do....

As I am sitting here now.....writing this blog post, I am also cooking a meal for my husband and his two kids.  My son is not here, as I had MY week with him this past week.  Tonight, he goes back to his dad's house.  It is my husband's weekend with his kids.  I live for my son.  When he is here, life is good.  When he's gone, it sucks and I have to actually deal with life.  If that makes sense....  it makes sense to me.....

There was a time when I was single, I wouldn't be sitting here on the laptop, much less cooking a meal.  I never knew where my next meal was coming from.   In fact, I only had food in my house when my son was with me.   And in those times, I had to put off a bill or two, just to have the money for food.  That's the only time you would find anything whatsoever in my cupboards.  And even then, it was just what I needed for each meal, each night of the week.  Other than than, I would divide a can or two of corn up for each night of the week, for me to eat when it was just me.   Corn.  I lived on corn.  I was so skinny.  People didn't know the real reason I was skinny.  It wasn't because that's just how I am....it was because I couldn't afford to eat.

do you know what it's like to have your child with you and only have the necessities?  no snacks.  No splurging on a take-out meal.   No going to the movies, like he and his dad did.  No shopping.  No nothing.  We sat at home when he was with me.  And heaven forbid he ever want to have a friend over.  I would panic at the though of having to feed another child.  But I managed.  I would do without to provide for him.  He learned that it was boring at mom's house.....

Do you know what it's like to be so broke you can't even go to the basketball games to watch your son play?  I would always say I felt bad.....was sick...... or whatever I could say, to excuse myself from not being at the game.  I couldn't tell anyone I didn't have the $5 to get in the game.....or the gas money to drive an hour away to a game.  People don't understand that....especially a teenage boy or his father, or his "other family".....  In the end, I've become known as the parent that didn't give a damn about my son, all because I wasn't at the ballgames......or don't take him on vacation.....or do fun things with him.....

Here's a fun experience.....

I remember one evening, I came home from work.  Parked my car in the garage, and proceeded up the steps to go into my house.  And there, on my porch steps was a big box.  I mean a BIG BOX.  I had no clue what it was.... I took it in, and opened it up and immediately, began to cry.  I was embarrassed, tho no one was around..... it was a box of food.  Canned food.  Vegetables.  Meats.....crackers....etc.  Instead of being grateful, I was ashamed and wanted to tell the person that left it to never do that again...that I'm ok....that I don't need help.... but that all would have been a lie.   I had to face the fact that I was poor.  Poor and single.  It was sad.

Then one time before Christmas, I had a knock at my door.  It was a local church, collecting canned goods and non-perishable items for needy families.  I was embarrassed..... I went to my cupboards..... nothing.  Fridge......nothing.  I had nothing to give.  I looked and looked....  I was so embarrassed.  I didn't want to go back to these young kids and tell them that I had nothing to give.  What would they think of me?  Didn't they know that I was also needy?  They come asking me for stuff, when I need stuff?  But I did..... I had to go and tell them I had nothing.  They walked away....and I cried.  And cried.  And cried. 

I couldn't even give to the needy,...... because I was also needy.

I am not poor.  I don't consider myself poor.
I wasn't raised poor.  No one in my family is poor.

But as a single mother, I am poor....
I was poor

I would make it as best I could, then when it got really bad, I gave in and would marry whoever would have me.  I call it survival....then reality would set in.....  I would be miserable, then do whatever I could to run away.  Get out.  

this is where I am now.   Wanting that way out....though I am poor alone.

Misery sets in.  And I realize I am stuck

If I want to eat.  If I want my son to eat.
If I want to be able to afford anything at all....
If I want to survive,
this is where I have to be.

Do you honestly know what that feels like?

Let me tell you.....IT SUCKS!

Being married means survival.  Plain and simple.
I try it on my own....and I fail.

Do you know what that feels like?

So.... after 3-1/2 years here....I've resorted to drinking as a way of coping.  And I've only just started that in the past couple of months.
It's Sad really.
But thank God my son is back with his father tonight....
for what kind of example am I?

don't get me wrong..... I don't do this when my son is here.  My son keeps me grounded.
It's only when he's not here that I stoop to this level.

Judge me....  that's ok. 
what do you know about survival?
Real life?

me?

First Fitness - Day 1

Several months ago, after reading many a Facebook post about folks losing weight with First Fitness products, I decided
I   W.A.N.T   T.O   D.O   T.H.I.S

It's weird because I've never believed in a miracle weight loss program.  I always said you just need to get up and get moving and watch what you eat.   Simple.  But I am desperate.
Honestly, it was 5 months before I had the money to order the stuff.  It's crazy, I know, but I want to do something.  I am hoping this will give me that boost I desperately need...while also teaching me new things to eat....good things.  Food that's good for me. 

It sounded easy enough, so....I'm in.

My goal is to lose 20 pounds....but after weighing today at work, 25 would be more like it.  Apparently, I've gained 5 pounds I didn't know about.  25 pounds is a little much, so I've now decided that if I lose 10, I will happy.  If I lose 15, I will be frkn estatic....and 20?  If I lose 20 pounds, I will be uncontrollably uncontrollable.  I am serious.  20 pounds will put me over the edge.  I will be so full of myself, and the hubs best hide my credit cards, for I will be doing some major shopping.

so, today is day 1 of 30.  Here is how it went down

First of all, I spent some extra dollars at the grocery store yesterday.   I say extra, though it was nothing that I wouldn't want to eat.  It's just stuff that only I would eat.  Lots of salad fixins... fruit.  And green veggies.  No one in my family will eat these things, so I don't normally buy them.   This is why I say it's "extra" dollars.  For most people, it may be everyday grocery items.  No biggie.

It took me a little while last night, to figure out my meal plans. I have a meal plan guide and menu to go by, but figuring out what I'm eating and when, took me some time.  For the average person, probably not....but I'm not average.  You got your meal replacement shakes, snacktime shake, veggies, salads, breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc.  Hey, it was confusing.

I forgot to take the meds last night that would make me go poop this morning.  Lord knows I need extra help in this department...... hopefully I won't forget again.

For breakfast, I took a pill early, then had a meal replacement shake before I left for work.  Didn't have my coffe that I'm used to.  that's tough.  I can have coffee, but I have to use a sugar substitute, which I don't have, so I skipped it altogether. 

Mid morning snack was a fat burning shake....orange flavored.

Lunch....I forgot my pill I'm supposed to take before lunch.  But I had another meal replacement shake.

By mid afternoon, I was starving....  was it all in my head?  Was it because I knew I couldn't eat? 

Dinner tonight was a salad, consisting of various lettuce, cucumbers and brocolli, with Lite Ranch dressing.  I also had steamed asparagus.  (yummy)  And water to drink, with a flavor packet of Black Raspberry-Grape.

Right now, it's been almost 3 hours since we ate, and I still feel full and satisfied. 
Oh, my husband had chicken alfredo and garlic bread.  Was it hard to resist?  Yes.  I cannot lie
And the Red Velvet Cupcakes I made for the family, also made it hard.

I have high hopes for this diet.  In fact, I can't remember being this excited in a long time.
I know, I'm strange.

I didn't mention that I started working out on my ellipticle last week.  I'm doing 15 minutes PLUS, a 15 minute work out on the Total Gym.  These things I do every morning.

I don't know how this will turn out, but I am totally committed.
I decided to log my progress....Not each and every day....but some.

It's okay

linking up with Amber because it's Thursday, and It's Okay  Really!  It's okay!   It's okay that it's Valentine's Day and all I got was a card I'm perfectly fine with that....and it wasn't just any card.  My husband is like me...he takes his time and makes sure he picks a perfect card.  It has to say just the right thing.  Not too mushy, cause that's how we roll.   It's okay that it's Valentine's Day and I didn't even get him a card.   It's okay that I baked 30 Red Velvet Cupcakes for my husband, son and stepkids and even though I'm on a diet and won't eat any of them.  Didn't even lick the spoon.  Not once. I have to keep telling me that's okay, though it's not.  I was dang hard!   It's okay to spend $XXX.XX on diet products because I am so sure it's gonna help me drop 15-20 pounds in 30 days.  Updates to follow!   It's okay to have our Pomeranian shaved.....completely She looks hilarious, in fact, doesn't look like a Pom at all, but she feels so much better and less hair to shed is good!   It's okay to leave post it notes everywhere, set your alarm on your phone for reminders and whatever else it takes because you know how forgetful you are and you know you can't  count on your husband to help you out.   It's okay to be forgetful!    It's okay to be horrible at blogging.  I want to do good.  I want to have bloggy friends. it's just hard.  Like tonight, It is after 8 and I'm just now sitting down to my laptop. And I sill have wifely/motherly duties to tend to.   It's okay to be tired.   It's okay to not have everything figured out yet.   Until next week....I hope everyone has a good week      

Ten things I hate about me

(still under the influence) so I'm listing 10 things I hate about me....because .... because it's easier than listing 10 thing I love about me

1.  My feet.  If you know anything about me at all, which you don't, I have bad feet and ankles.  Makes wearing sandles and flip flops a horrible experience....or any shoes for that matter.

2. My nose.... not petite and pretty

3. My boobs.  Never had any.  Got some 4 years ago.  Now they feel funny

4. My legs.  I'm not fat but have cellulite.  Haven't worn shorts in 10 years

5. My arms.  Flabby (can you say "gobble gobble"?)

6. My teeth.  Horrible....  am having 4 pulled next month.

7. My self esteem.... it sux

8. My attitude....also sux (can you tell)

9. My hair.  Why must it be so hard to get right????? 

10.  My mind....it's going freaky on me

Jodi Arias you suck but I can't stop watching this story

I am writing this under the influence.
Under the influence of what, you might ask?????

Well I will tell you...

I am on my second drink of rum, orange/pineapple juice, and grenadine mixture.  I don't know what the name of this drink is.....all I know, is it is good and I like it.   It relaxes me in the evening AND makes me talk.....A LOT!

ok....

JODI ARIAS....
if you don't know Jodi Arias, then PLEASE, google her and read the story

she stabbed her ex-boyfriend/lover 29 times, shot him and slit his throat....blah blah blah
Read the story.....

Jodi, you are a frkn nut case.  C'mon.  If this jury finds you NOT GUILTY, I will protest.  (not really, but it will piss me off!)  I feel like I am watching the Casey Anthony trial all over again.....

I feel like you're going to get off and will walk free.  And I don't like that at all.....

Here is my take on this whole story.

Jodi,
You and Travis liked sex.  Apparently.  O'mgoodness....you two loved sex.
Seriously, it's disgusting
Can you say A.D.D.I.C.T.I.O.N??  That's what this was!
A sexual addiction.  For him....it was the sex and what you were willing to do....
Travis didn't love you.....
For you....it was the attention and the thought of someone loving you.

Maybe you wanted more.  Longed for more..... Maybe he didn't
You were pathetic and desperate, so you did things that he fantasized about
You fulfilled his desires.....so he kept you around....duh
Sex.  It was the glue that kept this thing together
You two loved it....Ok, some do.  Some don't.
Some like it a lot.  Some like to do wierd things.  Some like to try new things.
some like the mediocre sex, and some like wild sex.
There's no question as to what the two of you liked.  S.E.X.
You were a lonely, poor soul.
You needed validation and you longed for someone to love you.
You had been through numerous empty, unfullfilling relationships
You had a horrible, horrible childhood.
You had no parental guidance and love
You were desperate
You were lonely...then enter Travis Alexander....

Let me just say this....
I don't care what went on between the two of you.
You are a slut.
Look at you in court, as compared to the pics of you before this murder.
You look so sweet an innocent now....but your'e not.

YOU KILLED HIM.
Self defense?  Hell no.
You let him manipulate you.  Maybe
You let him use you.  Maybe
Truth is ..... being used is no excuse for murder

He used you to fulfill his fantasies  Maybe.
And you let him
You used him to fulfill your fantasies  Maybe
and he let you

You spent an afternoon having wild sex and taking photos.
He didn't force you......You drove over a thousand miles to do this.....
Then, when you found out he was still taking another woman on a trip instead of you....
you got pissed off....YOU KILLED HIM!

believe me....I understand you getting pissed off.
I've been there.   I've been used.  I've been last on the list.
.....  BUT GOOD GRIEF  I didn't kill anyone

I had sense enough to walk away.......and not kill the sorry bastard.
and you know what?  Though my life sucks at the moment...I am still better off than that sorry jerk
and I'm not having to go through a frkn trial for murder. 

Was it worth it all, Jodi?

Jodi, I hope you go to prison.  This poor man is not around to tell his story.  Because you killed him.
You need to rot in hell.

I can say that you should have been strong enough....
you should have respected yourself enough to walk away
walk away if it was so abusive

.....

ok I am going to close here because
#1, I have to go to the bathroom
#2, I'm afraid I'm not making sense
#3, this whole trial pisses me off
and #4, I've had enough to drink


sorry if I offended anyone.

My son....turning 17

Today is my son's 17th birthday.

We didn't have a big party, in fact, we didn't do a thing.
He and I usually go to "town" an hour away... he invites a friend, we go eat, we go to the mall and he picks out his present, then we do whatever he wants to do to celebrate. 

This year however, the time to "celebrate" was this past weekend and he chose instead, to go watch the Junior girls and boy's basketball team play in the Conference tournament.  So.... he spent Saturday at games, then Sunday I baked him a birthday cake.

Today is his day....and he spent it at home in bed SICK.   Missed school.
Sick on his birthday....how fun.

Just as well....

I think he needed today to himself, I think

last night was pretty rough.  Emotional.  I know I said in a previous post that it was the last ballgame of the season, and it was......but this week started tournaments and to be honest, I didn't think we would be participating, as we have had a pretty lousy season.  But, we went, we played and we lost.

When we got in my car to head out on the hour long trip home, he laid the seat back, put earphones in his ears and turned, facing the door.  I asked him if he was ok and all he said, (tearfully) was "Mom, I don't want to talk about the game"

It was a long, long, long drive home.

I wanted to talk about it. 
He was shutting me out.  Keeping it all in.  He was hurting.  I was hurting for him...

Damn coach!

Anyway....

though this year's birthday was uneventful, he says it's ok.  I gave him money, and a card.  We had a sweet moment......

We spoke about the game briefly......  He will survive.

All is good.

My son is an awesome kid.  Awesome.  Awesome.

I can't believe he is 17.  He's grown so fast.

this Momma is proud.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful son.  I love you dearly

Baby Baby please don't marry me

I think I have mentioned before that I have a number of failed marriages behind me, and my current one is a little on the rocks, to say the least, most days.  
Have I mentioned this before?  or is this new information?   I'm a little forgetful...so if I haven't mentioned this before...well, I am now.
It is true.
I am a marriage failure!

I used to believe that there is ONE person meant for each of us and that when we find that ONE, we better do it right because it won't come around again...  Maybe that's true, I don't know.  I used to think that #2 was "the ONE" but now, when I see him and have to actually speak to him or interact with him, I wonder what the hell?  He is so mean.  Then again, I think he hates me for leaving him, so maybe he has a reason to be mean.  Maybe he was always mean?  Yes!!!
..... why am I saying that like I don't know if he was mean or not?  He was mean.  He was mean to my daughter.  He was mean to me.  He's a mean person.
I must be crazy to think that he's the ONE that I will never get over.  (oh, by the way, #2 is my son's father)  The end of that marriage was not entirely my fault.  He made it impossible.   Did I mention he is mean? 
I actually had a family member recently tell me that if I would have stayed in that marriage, she doesn't think I would have survived...... I'll leave that to your imagination......

In my life, I have not had much luck finding "the ONE"  Since I thought #2 was it and he turned out to be something else, I've just kinda sucked at finding anyone decent to date, much less decent marriage material.  It's not their fault.... #3 and #4, I mean.  It's mine.  All mine.  You don't gotta marry someone just cuz they ask you.  Just say NO!

Since I've started evaluating my life and my failed marriages, i've come to the conclusion that:

I....A.M....N.O.T....M.E.A.N.T....T.O....B.E....M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

PLAIN AND SIMPLE. 
Maybe I've always known this? 
and that's not a bad thing.  That doesn't make me a bad person....It just means that I don't need to be married.  Does it really take a genius to figure that one out? 

Ok, I'm going to sortof get off topic for just a moment or two....but it all will come together...
For whatever reason, I love love love Mac Davis.....(my age shows now, right?)
I was listening to some of his songs the other day and remember how much I love this one.
by the way...isn't he sexy?  Anyhoo..... while singing along, I quickly found myself changing up the lyrics as I sang.....  here is what I came up with....

Boy, You're gettin' that look in your eyes

And it's startin' to worry me

No, I ain't made for those family ties

So you really shouldn't marry me

Just keep it friendly, boy, or please, just turn and leave

Don't start clingin' to me, boy, cause I can't breathe

Baby, baby, please don't marry me

Baby, baby, please don't marry me

I'll be unhappy then I'll set you free

Baby, baby, please don't marry me

Boy, I'm a hot-blooded woman-child

And marriage is not what I need

But I can tell by your tremblin' smile

You're expecting way too much of me

Boy, don't let your life get tangled up with mine

'cause I'll just leave you, I can't take no clingin' vine

 

Baby, baby, please don't marry me

Baby, please just turn and walk away

You're not the one for me and marriage stinks

Baby, baby, please don't marry me

 

 

I know, I know what you are thinking.....I am a cruel person.  Hmm.... maybe so, but not half as cruel as those I've chosen to marry.  Maybe if I'd waited, the ONE would have showed up.  But I didn't.  And he didn't.  And here I am.  Changing lyrics to songs to fit my warped mind. 

Hey, we all do what we need to do to keep us sane in a cruel world.  This made me laugh.  And it's my blog.....I hope you got a chuckle, as I did.

 

and I love you Mac Davis