It's okay

linking up with Amber because it's Thursday, and It's okay   ...it's okay to be the end of January and I've not worked out once   ...it's okay to be mad at the coach because my son doesn't play as much as I think he should   ...it's okay that I'm not a people person   ...it's okay that I sleep on the couch   ...it's okay to say my dog irritates me   ...it's okay that I don't care about the Super Bowl but will watch it for the commercials   ...it's okay to have the blahs   ...it's okay to go mix an alcoholic beverage (right now) to calm my nerves          

getting nowhere, on the road to somewhere

I am on my way

but I don't know where

I just know I'm headed there

 

I'm a little lost.  Lost.

Lost on my way to somewhere.

or maybe going nowhere.



source

 

I'm getting nowhere, while looking for my place

A place to belong.

It isn't here.  But it isn't there.

it is somewhere. 

I just don't know where.

 

The road ahead is much like the one behind me

deserted

empty

long

 

And it's scary.  Scary lonely.

 

I think I will never find my way

 

A way out

 

Out of here.  Out of this place

 I don't belong

I don't want to be here

 

I long for friendly faces

    new places

 

A place for me.  Right for me.

 

I'm on my way

but I don't know where

I'm on a long road

and getting nowhere.

 

Sunday Confessions

linking up this week with Alyx for Sunday Confessions  

I hate grocery shopping, but I must do this today. 

 

I'm disappointed that my appointment for Wednesday has been moved out to March.  My tooth has been killing me and I'm just ready to get it out!

 

I am sick of neighborhood living and the neighbor's lights.  Seriously.  The neighbors behind us have security lights on every corner of their house, which for some reason come on at dark and stay on all night.  They are so bright, they light up our house.  (aggravating when trying to sleep)  The neighbors across the street have about 15 lights on the front of their house, PLUS, a big security light over the garage that rotates....yes, it rotates.  So needlesstosay it looks like an airport landing strip.  After dark, our house lights up every 20 seconds, then goes dark again.....you get the idea, right? 

 

4 more regular season basketball games left and I will be so glad when it's over.  This season has not been a good one, for many reasons.

 

I've got the fever for Spring....but I'm not ready.  I still have some pounds to lose.....

 

I'm lazy

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

I was working my second job, at the video rental store.  

It was late afternoon....

Not much going on.  It was kinda slow, and I was a little bored.

 

Then you walked in.

 

You, and your children.

 

They walked around....he, looking for a game (of course) and she, some sort of little girl chick flick.

 

and you......  you and your blue eyes.

 

your macho walk.

 

your macho look.

 

your macho talk.

 

and that old ragged Chicago Bulls, #23 jersey-shirt.

 

You were sweaty, and ragged....but so HOT.

 

You were covered in paint....so HOT

 

I knew a little about you.  But not enough.

 

You were so confident....arrogant....HOT

 

We talked...

...I knew

 

Those little voices were telling me....

 

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

 

 

 



Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful

You think you're on your way

And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles makes you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time

 

lyrics by Gary Allan

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

 

 

somewhere between a colonoscopy and bad teeth

We are nearing the end of January and already, I'm on top of my New Year's Resolution. I thought for a long time about what I wanted to accomplish in 2013. I teeter-tottered back and forth, and like most people, I always came back to the weight thing. Eat better, lose weight....you know the drill. In the end, I just decided to put it all out there and narrow it down....so, I decided I would just work on  myself.

How hard could that be, right? 
What was I thinking?  I had to pick the impossible!
I may as well had vowed to end world hunger....or achieve world peace.

To work on myself involves many things....from overall health, to my sanity (or lack of), and peace of mind.

So, for starters, I had a colonoscopy.  Yes, a colonoscopy.  Who has THAT on their list of things to do????  You may wonder what this has to do with working on myself....  a lot, let me tell you.  I've been having issues for a long time, so to rule out anything serious, this was the first item of business.   After being a complete nervous wrech for the 3 weeks leading up to this big event, it's over and everything turned up fine.  It eased my mind a little but still have a couple of unanswered questions, like.....

What the hell is wrong with me?????  Why is THIS happening?????

ok....next, the plan was to find out what exactly is wrong....maybe another doctor or a specialist but before I could come up with a plan, I started having a tooth ache.  It wasn't unbearable at first, but by now, it's got to go!  I admit, my teeth are horrible.  It's a wonder I have any teeth at all, to be honest.  I wasn't blessed with healthy teeth, and add to that, the fact that my parents didn't give a darn about my teeth when I was growing up, I've always had problems, yet have managed to stay away from the dentist as much as possible.... I would really just like to have them all pulled and get falsies.  BUT, apparently, most of my teeth are good...just not pretty.  Anyhoo.....
this tooth H.U.R.T.S.   I noticed a tiny cavity on the side, so I called the dentist and they worked me in today.  I pointed out the reason for my pain and the dentist picked and prodded at my tooth and gums, and said, "you think that's why your tooth is hurting?"

Well, Yeah.   You see that black spot?   That's a cavity, isn't it?

"Oh yes, but darlin'.... here's why your tooth hurts."

and he showed me a big frkn hole.....My tooth is just a shell of a tooth.  There is absolutely nothing under the enamel shell....just a hole.  Yucky!   He said he's amazed that the tooth hasn't just shattered at some point while I'm eating.  Great.

So, during this visit, I begged him to pull this tooth PLUS all my uppers.  And he promised me that he would not do that.  Hey, I will pay you!!!

He said "at 47, you are much too young and pretty to look like THIS" (and he sucked in his cheeks as if to have no teeth).

Uhm, Ok, that's not too pretty, Mr Dentist.  Stop it!

I showed him a couple of other tooth concerns and in the end, I'm having 4 teeth pulled next week.  2 upper back teeth, one lower and one crooked, dead tooth right in the front.  Yep, right in the front. 

He asked me if I had enough vacation days to take off work until I get my partial plate and I told him I plan on working....just taking off to go to the Oral Surgeon for the extractions....
He was surprised and asked if I was going to walk around, and go to work with a tooth missing in the front and I said YES.... I'm not scared.

He said, "but won't you be embarrassed?  You will have a tooth missing!  In the front!"

I didn't tell him that a few years ago, I left work on a Thursday flat chested, with an A-cup and came back on Tuesday, with a 36C cup, so I think I might can handle being snaggle toothed for a few days.
(true story) 

All in all, I will be glad to get my mouth issues taken care of, but it was farther down on my list of things to do this year.  Guess other things will be put aside for now.

I'm wondering why it's so much trouble and so expensive and time consuming just to exist?  I mean, seriously.   This is crazy.

I will be slowly making my way down my list this year....I should hopefully feel better by year's end.
at least, that is my goal.

love your kids

a shooting in New Mexico. A 15 year old boy shot and killed 5 people in their home. a 15 year old!!!!!...(ahem), let me say that again..... 

A 15 YEAR OLD BOY SHOT AND KILLED 5 PEOPLE IN THEIR HOME.  

I am gonna take a risk and put this out there....In my opinion, the very first step to this GUN CONTROL ISSUE, starts at home. Parents, love your children, but for heaven's sake, discipline their defiant butts every now and then. Set limits. Teach them rules and guidelines. And don't lock them in their rooms to be taught the ways of the world with video games......
that's just my 2 cents. It's not a solution, but it's a start. Sorry if I offend anyone. I'm just sick of seeing this on the news.

The above paragraph was my facebook post yesterday.  It must have struck a nerve, as I had more Likes than ever before.  I think all 12 friends did a thumbs up...
I think we all agree....things are getting out of hand.

If I hear of one more shooting, I swear, I will scream...  Seriously.

I don't know how to say it any other way than to just put it out there....be blunt....say it like it is....

Parents, get your frkn head out of your ass and pay attention to your children.

This won't fix everything.  It certainly will not solve all the problems, but can't we agree it's the best place to start?  It's not the teachers, doctors, preachers, lawmakers, congress or the President's responsibility.....it starts at H.O.M.E.

and that doesn't mean use video games to do it!

There I said it!  I'm sorry....but this is a touchy subject with me.  I can't stand to see the way kids are these days.  And worst yet, I can't stand to see how some parents are.  This, in part, has to do with my dear husband....

His parenting skills suck, and I've just about had enough of this as well.

do you know how hard it is to sit back and watch..... it's hard.
It's hard enough that, adding that to our already present issues, I am about drained.

I want to take the test again....I want a re-do

 

Remember when you were in school

 

Remember taking tests?

 

Remember how you study and study.

and finally, you think you know the answers.

You take the test.

And you find you didn't do so well?

 

Then, the teacher goes over the test and gives you all the answers.

 

You review it and think to yourself how you should have known those answers all along?

 

How could you not have known that, right?

 

Then you wish more than anything you could take the test again?

 

But you can't.

 

Well, that's where I'm at right now, only it's not a test.

 

It's life.  My life.

 

R.E.A.L...L.I.F.E.

I feel like the past several years have been a test.
And I have failed miserably.
 

Please teacher....can I take the test again??????

I have all the answers now.

beautiful in black and white

We all strive to beautiful......Ok, maybe that's not such an accurate statement.
Perhaps strive isn't the correct word.  You know, as women, we all (at some point) want to be beautiful?

I don't know about you, but I certainly do. 

I hate the camera.  I've never been one to like or participate in having my picture taken.  If someone brings out a camera, you will see me take off running for cover.  Seriously.  Although, I have learned that beauty can easily be found in black and white.

Get this....

have you seen the commercials on TV? 

I'm talking about the L'Oreal commercials.

The Cover Girl commercials.

If you have paid any attention at all, there are some that air in black and white.

Check this out for yourself......

I love love love PINK!!!  Not Pink the color....Pink, the singer/sonwriter

I love everything about her..... 

I have always thought she was beautiful. 

Look beyond the spiked blonde hair.

Look passed the tattoos.

Beyond the bad-A** attitude....

I admit I would never in a million years think of Pink as a Cover Girl.  But she is. 
Would you ever picture pink looking like this?  I wouldn't.
Pink....a Cover Girl? 
She's just not that type, right?   Oh was I so wrong!  She is beautiful. 
Did ya notice?.....she's in black and white.

Yep.  Black and White totally changes her look.

Yes, I hate the camera.  We just don't get along.
But, if they could all be in black and white, then I will turn all "super model" on you....

Please....i beg you. Don't hire my past

We all know that one sure way to get over your past is to stay away from your past.

Am I right?

Well, TELL MY PAST TO STAY AWAY FROM ME....OK???

today, I had the fear that my past was going to show up at the only place I have peace. 

There is a place I go every day and I'm able to get away.  I'm able to put the past behind me.  I'm able to breathe.  It's just me.  I don't have to deal with life's issues.  I don't have to be reminded of my failures.  I don't have to think about where I've been...where I'm going.

It's my office.

For five days a week.  Eight hours a day, I'm able to escape life.

Most people dread work.  I don't.  I love my job.  I love my boss (es).  Though there are times I could just walk out and never look back......it just takes me a few seconds to realize how lucky I am.  I would not trade my job for any other.   I would not trade my boss for any other. 

but today....... in the early morning hours, my day was ruined.

I got word that my ex husband was being escorted around the facilities.  This (to me) could only mean that he was being considered for a job......  This (to me) meant the end of my peaceful little world I had come to know and love so well.

How dare he.
how dare he invade MY space.
How dare he make his way in to MY world.
how dare he steal my peace of mind.

Unless you know him, you can't possibly know or understand my concerns.  I could never work in peace again.  E.V.E.R.

this was just another reminder of how I don't need to be in this town. 
I can't escape.....I can't escape the people.
and I want to.
so bad

Too many mistakes.
Ok...too many exes....
Too many memories.
it's not my town.
It's their town.

there is always going to be someone....something....that won't let me be.

Finally, at the end of the day,
I found out......my peaceful little sanctuary remains just that.....MY SANCTUARY.......and I can breathe again.

Thank you Lord.

vowing to change

I don't even know where to start.  I have so much I want to change.  So much to say.
but I'm going to start with a conversation I had with my dear mother just yesterday.

Unless you know my history, you can't even begin to know the issues I have with my mother.  Actually, my entire family is dysfuntional.  I could write many a post about my family.  But for today, it's all about what she said to me. 

We've barely spoke to each other over the past few years.  I'm sure over time, I will get into the details, but she texted me yesterday morning asking me to call her if I wasn't busy.  I discussed this with my husband.....

should I call her?

should I ignore her?

Given my history with my mother, he advised me to just leave it alone.

but, hoping for the best, I called her anyway.

It started off well, but ended with her telling me that she knows I am unhappy, but I have no one to blame but myself....

W.T.F.?

we weren't even talking about me......but she had to throw that in there, as usual.  She's never been one to offer support.  Only criticism.   I am 47 and she's still doing it to me.

My mother....a story in itself.  For another day.

For now, it's about me.  Me and my misery.
Me and my facing the truth. 

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.



ok....I do not need my own mother telling me that my misery is my own fault.
I totally get it.

I have known this for a long time.  But what's done is done.  I can't change it now.

What have I done, you may wonder?

I married.  Yep.  I married someone that is totally wrong for me.  and it's not the first time.
In fact, I have more than one failed marriage.
Why would I do such a thing?  Because!  Single mothers cannot make it in this world alone.  I needed help just to survive.

I have a good job.  But I never got child support because my ex and I share custody and in all honesty, we pay equal on things. (sometimes, he paid out more)  I don't feel like I ever deserved support.  I never got alimony.   I am not rich.  I don't have parents helping me.  I don't have a "sugar daddy".   I did everything ON MY OWN and it was hard.  Though my job pays well, it is not enough to live on my own and support a son....

THERE.

that is my big horrible mistake that's all my fault. 

You may be thinking ....  that's all?  what's the big deal?

maybe it's not a big deal, but it causes misery on a daily basis for me.
He's not so bad, my husband, I mean.
He's just not right for me. 

My husband....another story for another day perhaps.

We get along in little spurts.  Then he should go his way, and I go mine.
Add his kids and his parenting skills to the mix...and well.....it's just not for me.

So...there you have it.  My marriage mistake is my fault.  I don't deny it.
My other failed marriages....maybe those are my fault too.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm not meant to be married.
and I am damn sure not meant to be a stepmother.

But here I am.....after 3-1/2 years of marriage to this man....and all the issues with him and his kids, I'm left trying to figure out what to do next.  What my options are, if any.

i had the best intentions.