Sunday, January 13, 2013

vowing to change

I don't even know where to start.  I have so much I want to change.  So much to say.
but I'm going to start with a conversation I had with my dear mother just yesterday.

Unless you know my history, you can't even begin to know the issues I have with my mother.  Actually, my entire family is dysfuntional.  I could write many a post about my family.  But for today, it's all about what she said to me. 

We've barely spoke to each other over the past few years.  I'm sure over time, I will get into the details, but she texted me yesterday morning asking me to call her if I wasn't busy.  I discussed this with my husband.....

should I call her?

should I ignore her?

Given my history with my mother, he advised me to just leave it alone.

but, hoping for the best, I called her anyway.

It started off well, but ended with her telling me that she knows I am unhappy, but I have no one to blame but myself....


we weren't even talking about me......but she had to throw that in there, as usual.  She's never been one to offer support.  Only criticism.   I am 47 and she's still doing it to me.

My mother....a story in itself.  For another day.

For now, it's about me.  Me and my misery.
Me and my facing the truth. 


ok....I do not need my own mother telling me that my misery is my own fault.
I totally get it.

I have known this for a long time.  But what's done is done.  I can't change it now.

What have I done, you may wonder?

I married.  Yep.  I married someone that is totally wrong for me.  and it's not the first time.
In fact, I have more than one failed marriage.
Why would I do such a thing?  Because!  Single mothers cannot make it in this world alone.  I needed help just to survive.

I have a good job.  But I never got child support because my ex and I share custody and in all honesty, we pay equal on things. (sometimes, he paid out more)  I don't feel like I ever deserved support.  I never got alimony.   I am not rich.  I don't have parents helping me.  I don't have a "sugar daddy".   I did everything ON MY OWN and it was hard.  Though my job pays well, it is not enough to live on my own and support a son....


that is my big horrible mistake that's all my fault. 

You may be thinking ....  that's all?  what's the big deal?

maybe it's not a big deal, but it causes misery on a daily basis for me.
He's not so bad, my husband, I mean.
He's just not right for me. 

My husband....another story for another day perhaps.

We get along in little spurts.  Then he should go his way, and I go mine.
Add his kids and his parenting skills to the mix...and's just not for me.

So...there you have it.  My marriage mistake is my fault.  I don't deny it.
My other failed marriages....maybe those are my fault too.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm not meant to be married.
and I am damn sure not meant to be a stepmother.

But here I am.....after 3-1/2 years of marriage to this man....and all the issues with him and his kids, I'm left trying to figure out what to do next.  What my options are, if any.

i had the best intentions. 

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