Friday, February 15, 2013

why I do what I do

Ok....  bear with me my fellow followers.   I am a poor soul, under the influence once again.  Pathetic?  Yes Probably, but I can't deal with life.  It sucks and I don't want to be here...right here where I am at this very moment.  Don't get me wrong, please.....I want to live!  I crave life....just not H.E.R.E.

As I've mentioned somewhere before...  in another blog, another post, or somewhere, I have failed marriages.  And I'm not proud of it.  In fact, it 's the very thing that shames me and makes me a total nut case most days.  I can't get past this fact.  I am a screw up.  I can't do it right.  I don't think I will ever get past this and learn to live with what I have done.... 

But let me fill you in on some things.......

Why I do what I do....

As I am sitting here now.....writing this blog post, I am also cooking a meal for my husband and his two kids.  My son is not here, as I had MY week with him this past week.  Tonight, he goes back to his dad's house.  It is my husband's weekend with his kids.  I live for my son.  When he is here, life is good.  When he's gone, it sucks and I have to actually deal with life.  If that makes sense....  it makes sense to me.....

There was a time when I was single, I wouldn't be sitting here on the laptop, much less cooking a meal.  I never knew where my next meal was coming from.   In fact, I only had food in my house when my son was with me.   And in those times, I had to put off a bill or two, just to have the money for food.  That's the only time you would find anything whatsoever in my cupboards.  And even then, it was just what I needed for each meal, each night of the week.  Other than than, I would divide a can or two of corn up for each night of the week, for me to eat when it was just me.   Corn.  I lived on corn.  I was so skinny.  People didn't know the real reason I was skinny.  It wasn't because that's just how I was because I couldn't afford to eat.

do you know what it's like to have your child with you and only have the necessities?  no snacks.  No splurging on a take-out meal.   No going to the movies, like he and his dad did.  No shopping.  No nothing.  We sat at home when he was with me.  And heaven forbid he ever want to have a friend over.  I would panic at the though of having to feed another child.  But I managed.  I would do without to provide for him.  He learned that it was boring at mom's house.....

Do you know what it's like to be so broke you can't even go to the basketball games to watch your son play?  I would always say I felt bad.....was sick...... or whatever I could say, to excuse myself from not being at the game.  I couldn't tell anyone I didn't have the $5 to get in the game.....or the gas money to drive an hour away to a game.  People don't understand that....especially a teenage boy or his father, or his "other family".....  In the end, I've become known as the parent that didn't give a damn about my son, all because I wasn't at the ballgames......or don't take him on vacation.....or do fun things with him.....

Here's a fun experience.....

I remember one evening, I came home from work.  Parked my car in the garage, and proceeded up the steps to go into my house.  And there, on my porch steps was a big box.  I mean a BIG BOX.  I had no clue what it was.... I took it in, and opened it up and immediately, began to cry.  I was embarrassed, tho no one was around..... it was a box of food.  Canned food.  Vegetables.  Meats.....crackers....etc.  Instead of being grateful, I was ashamed and wanted to tell the person that left it to never do that again...that I'm ok....that I don't need help.... but that all would have been a lie.   I had to face the fact that I was poor.  Poor and single.  It was sad.

Then one time before Christmas, I had a knock at my door.  It was a local church, collecting canned goods and non-perishable items for needy families.  I was embarrassed..... I went to my cupboards..... nothing.  Fridge......nothing.  I had nothing to give.  I looked and looked....  I was so embarrassed.  I didn't want to go back to these young kids and tell them that I had nothing to give.  What would they think of me?  Didn't they know that I was also needy?  They come asking me for stuff, when I need stuff?  But I did..... I had to go and tell them I had nothing.  They walked away....and I cried.  And cried.  And cried. 

I couldn't even give to the needy,...... because I was also needy.

I am not poor.  I don't consider myself poor.
I wasn't raised poor.  No one in my family is poor.

But as a single mother, I am poor....
I was poor

I would make it as best I could, then when it got really bad, I gave in and would marry whoever would have me.  I call it survival....then reality would set in.....  I would be miserable, then do whatever I could to run away.  Get out.  

this is where I am now.   Wanting that way out....though I am poor alone.

Misery sets in.  And I realize I am stuck

If I want to eat.  If I want my son to eat.
If I want to be able to afford anything at all....
If I want to survive,
this is where I have to be.

Do you honestly know what that feels like?

Let me tell you.....IT SUCKS!

Being married means survival.  Plain and simple.
I try it on my own....and I fail.

Do you know what that feels like?

So.... after 3-1/2 years here....I've resorted to drinking as a way of coping.  And I've only just started that in the past couple of months.
It's Sad really.
But thank God my son is back with his father tonight....
for what kind of example am I?

don't get me wrong..... I don't do this when my son is here.  My son keeps me grounded.
It's only when he's not here that I stoop to this level.

Judge me....  that's ok. 
what do you know about survival?
Real life?


Thursday, February 14, 2013

First Fitness - Day 1

Several months ago, after reading many a Facebook post about folks losing weight with First Fitness products, I decided
I   W.A.N.T   T.O   D.O   T.H.I.S

It's weird because I've never believed in a miracle weight loss program.  I always said you just need to get up and get moving and watch what you eat.   Simple.  But I am desperate.
Honestly, it was 5 months before I had the money to order the stuff.  It's crazy, I know, but I want to do something.  I am hoping this will give me that boost I desperately need...while also teaching me new things to eat....good things.  Food that's good for me. 

It sounded easy enough, so....I'm in.

My goal is to lose 20 pounds....but after weighing today at work, 25 would be more like it.  Apparently, I've gained 5 pounds I didn't know about.  25 pounds is a little much, so I've now decided that if I lose 10, I will happy.  If I lose 15, I will be frkn estatic....and 20?  If I lose 20 pounds, I will be uncontrollably uncontrollable.  I am serious.  20 pounds will put me over the edge.  I will be so full of myself, and the hubs best hide my credit cards, for I will be doing some major shopping.

so, today is day 1 of 30.  Here is how it went down

First of all, I spent some extra dollars at the grocery store yesterday.   I say extra, though it was nothing that I wouldn't want to eat.  It's just stuff that only I would eat.  Lots of salad fixins... fruit.  And green veggies.  No one in my family will eat these things, so I don't normally buy them.   This is why I say it's "extra" dollars.  For most people, it may be everyday grocery items.  No biggie.

It took me a little while last night, to figure out my meal plans. I have a meal plan guide and menu to go by, but figuring out what I'm eating and when, took me some time.  For the average person, probably not....but I'm not average.  You got your meal replacement shakes, snacktime shake, veggies, salads, breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc.  Hey, it was confusing.

I forgot to take the meds last night that would make me go poop this morning.  Lord knows I need extra help in this department...... hopefully I won't forget again.

For breakfast, I took a pill early, then had a meal replacement shake before I left for work.  Didn't have my coffe that I'm used to.  that's tough.  I can have coffee, but I have to use a sugar substitute, which I don't have, so I skipped it altogether. 

Mid morning snack was a fat burning flavored.

Lunch....I forgot my pill I'm supposed to take before lunch.  But I had another meal replacement shake.

By mid afternoon, I was starving....  was it all in my head?  Was it because I knew I couldn't eat? 

Dinner tonight was a salad, consisting of various lettuce, cucumbers and brocolli, with Lite Ranch dressing.  I also had steamed asparagus.  (yummy)  And water to drink, with a flavor packet of Black Raspberry-Grape.

Right now, it's been almost 3 hours since we ate, and I still feel full and satisfied. 
Oh, my husband had chicken alfredo and garlic bread.  Was it hard to resist?  Yes.  I cannot lie
And the Red Velvet Cupcakes I made for the family, also made it hard.

I have high hopes for this diet.  In fact, I can't remember being this excited in a long time.
I know, I'm strange.

I didn't mention that I started working out on my ellipticle last week.  I'm doing 15 minutes PLUS, a 15 minute work out on the Total Gym.  These things I do every morning.

I don't know how this will turn out, but I am totally committed.
I decided to log my progress....Not each and every day....but some.

It's okay

Its Ok Thursdays
linking up with Amber because it's Thursday, and It's Okay 
Really!  It's okay!
It's okay that it's Valentine's Day and all I got was a card
I'm perfectly fine with that....and it wasn't just any card.  My husband is like me...he takes his time and makes sure he picks a perfect card.  It has to say just the right thing. 
Not too mushy, cause that's how we roll.
It's okay that it's Valentine's Day and I didn't even get him a card.
It's okay that I baked 30 Red Velvet Cupcakes for my husband, son and stepkids
and even though I'm on a diet and won't eat any of them.  Didn't even lick the spoon.  Not once.
I have to keep telling me that's okay, though it's not.  I was dang hard!
It's okay to spend $XXX.XX on diet products because I am so sure it's gonna help me drop 15-20 pounds in 30 days.  Updates to follow!
It's okay to have our Pomeranian shaved.....completely
She looks hilarious, in fact, doesn't look like a Pom at all, but she feels so much better
and less hair to shed is good!
It's okay to leave post it notes everywhere, set your alarm on your phone for reminders and
whatever else it takes because you know how forgetful you are and you know you can't
 count on your husband to help you out.
It's okay to be forgetful! 
It's okay to be horrible at blogging.  I want to do good.  I want to have bloggy friends.
it's just hard.  Like tonight, It is after 8 and I'm just now sitting down to my laptop.
And I sill have wifely/motherly duties to tend to.
It's okay to be tired.
It's okay to not have everything figured out yet.
Until next week....I hope everyone has a good week

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ten things I hate about me

(still under the influence) so I'm listing 10 things I hate about me....because .... because it's easier than listing 10 thing I love about me

1.  My feet.  If you know anything about me at all, which you don't, I have bad feet and ankles.  Makes wearing sandles and flip flops a horrible experience....or any shoes for that matter.

2. My nose.... not petite and pretty

3. My boobs.  Never had any.  Got some 4 years ago.  Now they feel funny

4. My legs.  I'm not fat but have cellulite.  Haven't worn shorts in 10 years

5. My arms.  Flabby (can you say "gobble gobble"?)

6. My teeth.  Horrible....  am having 4 pulled next month.

7. My self esteem.... it sux

8. My attitude....also sux (can you tell)

9. My hair.  Why must it be so hard to get right????? 

10.  My's going freaky on me

Jodi Arias you suck but I can't stop watching this story

I am writing this under the influence.
Under the influence of what, you might ask?????

Well I will tell you...

I am on my second drink of rum, orange/pineapple juice, and grenadine mixture.  I don't know what the name of this drink is.....all I know, is it is good and I like it.   It relaxes me in the evening AND makes me talk.....A LOT!


if you don't know Jodi Arias, then PLEASE, google her and read the story

she stabbed her ex-boyfriend/lover 29 times, shot him and slit his throat....blah blah blah
Read the story.....

Jodi, you are a frkn nut case.  C'mon.  If this jury finds you NOT GUILTY, I will protest.  (not really, but it will piss me off!)  I feel like I am watching the Casey Anthony trial all over again.....

I feel like you're going to get off and will walk free.  And I don't like that at all.....

Here is my take on this whole story.

You and Travis liked sex.  Apparently.  O' two loved sex.
Seriously, it's disgusting
Can you say A.D.D.I.C.T.I.O.N??  That's what this was!
A sexual addiction.  For was the sex and what you were willing to do....
Travis didn't love you.....
For was the attention and the thought of someone loving you.

Maybe you wanted more.  Longed for more..... Maybe he didn't
You were pathetic and desperate, so you did things that he fantasized about
You fulfilled his he kept you around....duh
Sex.  It was the glue that kept this thing together
You two loved it....Ok, some do.  Some don't.
Some like it a lot.  Some like to do wierd things.  Some like to try new things.
some like the mediocre sex, and some like wild sex.
There's no question as to what the two of you liked.  S.E.X.
You were a lonely, poor soul.
You needed validation and you longed for someone to love you.
You had been through numerous empty, unfullfilling relationships
You had a horrible, horrible childhood.
You had no parental guidance and love
You were desperate
You were lonely...then enter Travis Alexander....

Let me just say this....
I don't care what went on between the two of you.
You are a slut.
Look at you in court, as compared to the pics of you before this murder.
You look so sweet an innocent now....but your'e not.

Self defense?  Hell no.
You let him manipulate you.  Maybe
You let him use you.  Maybe
Truth is ..... being used is no excuse for murder

He used you to fulfill his fantasies  Maybe.
And you let him
You used him to fulfill your fantasies  Maybe
and he let you

You spent an afternoon having wild sex and taking photos.
He didn't force you......You drove over a thousand miles to do this.....
Then, when you found out he was still taking another woman on a trip instead of you....
you got pissed off....YOU KILLED HIM!

believe me....I understand you getting pissed off.
I've been there.   I've been used.  I've been last on the list.
.....  BUT GOOD GRIEF  I didn't kill anyone

I had sense enough to walk away.......and not kill the sorry bastard.
and you know what?  Though my life sucks at the moment...I am still better off than that sorry jerk
and I'm not having to go through a frkn trial for murder. 

Was it worth it all, Jodi?

Jodi, I hope you go to prison.  This poor man is not around to tell his story.  Because you killed him.
You need to rot in hell.

I can say that you should have been strong enough....
you should have respected yourself enough to walk away
walk away if it was so abusive


ok I am going to close here because
#1, I have to go to the bathroom
#2, I'm afraid I'm not making sense
#3, this whole trial pisses me off
and #4, I've had enough to drink

sorry if I offended anyone.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My son....turning 17

Today is my son's 17th birthday.

We didn't have a big party, in fact, we didn't do a thing.
He and I usually go to "town" an hour away... he invites a friend, we go eat, we go to the mall and he picks out his present, then we do whatever he wants to do to celebrate. 

This year however, the time to "celebrate" was this past weekend and he chose instead, to go watch the Junior girls and boy's basketball team play in the Conference tournament.  So.... he spent Saturday at games, then Sunday I baked him a birthday cake.

Today is his day....and he spent it at home in bed SICK.   Missed school.
Sick on his fun.

Just as well....

I think he needed today to himself, I think

last night was pretty rough.  Emotional.  I know I said in a previous post that it was the last ballgame of the season, and it was......but this week started tournaments and to be honest, I didn't think we would be participating, as we have had a pretty lousy season.  But, we went, we played and we lost.

When we got in my car to head out on the hour long trip home, he laid the seat back, put earphones in his ears and turned, facing the door.  I asked him if he was ok and all he said, (tearfully) was "Mom, I don't want to talk about the game"

It was a long, long, long drive home.

I wanted to talk about it. 
He was shutting me out.  Keeping it all in.  He was hurting.  I was hurting for him...

Damn coach!


though this year's birthday was uneventful, he says it's ok.  I gave him money, and a card.  We had a sweet moment......

We spoke about the game briefly......  He will survive.

All is good.

My son is an awesome kid.  Awesome.  Awesome.

I can't believe he is 17.  He's grown so fast.

this Momma is proud.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful son.  I love you dearly

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Baby Baby please don't marry me

I think I have mentioned before that I have a number of failed marriages behind me, and my current one is a little on the rocks, to say the least, most days.  
Have I mentioned this before?  or is this new information?   I'm a little if I haven't mentioned this before...well, I am now.
It is true.
I am a marriage failure!

I used to believe that there is ONE person meant for each of us and that when we find that ONE, we better do it right because it won't come around again...  Maybe that's true, I don't know.  I used to think that #2 was "the ONE" but now, when I see him and have to actually speak to him or interact with him, I wonder what the hell?  He is so mean.  Then again, I think he hates me for leaving him, so maybe he has a reason to be mean.  Maybe he was always mean?  Yes!!!
..... why am I saying that like I don't know if he was mean or not?  He was mean.  He was mean to my daughter.  He was mean to me.  He's a mean person.
I must be crazy to think that he's the ONE that I will never get over.  (oh, by the way, #2 is my son's father)  The end of that marriage was not entirely my fault.  He made it impossible.   Did I mention he is mean? 
I actually had a family member recently tell me that if I would have stayed in that marriage, she doesn't think I would have survived...... I'll leave that to your imagination......

In my life, I have not had much luck finding "the ONE"  Since I thought #2 was it and he turned out to be something else, I've just kinda sucked at finding anyone decent to date, much less decent marriage material.  It's not their fault.... #3 and #4, I mean.  It's mine.  All mine.  You don't gotta marry someone just cuz they ask you.  Just say NO!

Since I've started evaluating my life and my failed marriages, i've come to the conclusion that:


Maybe I've always known this? 
and that's not a bad thing.  That doesn't make me a bad person....It just means that I don't need to be married.  Does it really take a genius to figure that one out? 

Ok, I'm going to sortof get off topic for just a moment or two....but it all will come together...
For whatever reason, I love love love Mac Davis.....(my age shows now, right?)
I was listening to some of his songs the other day and remember how much I love this one.
by the way...isn't he sexy?  Anyhoo..... while singing along, I quickly found myself changing up the lyrics as I sang.....  here is what I came up with....

Boy, You're gettin' that look in your eyes
And it's startin' to worry me
No, I ain't made for those family ties
So you really shouldn't marry me
Just keep it friendly, boy, or please, just turn and leave
Don't start clingin' to me, boy, cause I can't breathe

Baby, baby, please don't marry me
Baby, baby, please don't marry me
I'll be unhappy then I'll set you free
Baby, baby, please don't marry me

Boy, I'm a hot-blooded woman-child
And marriage is not what I need
But I can tell by your tremblin' smile
You're expecting way too much of me
Boy, don't let your life get tangled up with mine
'cause I'll just leave you, I can't take no clingin' vine
Baby, baby, please don't marry me
Baby, please just turn and walk away
You're not the one for me and marriage stinks
Baby, baby, please don't marry me
I know, I know what you are thinking.....I am a cruel person.  Hmm.... maybe so, but not half as cruel as those I've chosen to marry.  Maybe if I'd waited, the ONE would have showed up.  But I didn't.  And he didn't.  And here I am.  Changing lyrics to songs to fit my warped mind. 
Hey, we all do what we need to do to keep us sane in a cruel world.  This made me laugh.  And it's my blog.....I hope you got a chuckle, as I did.
and I love you Mac Davis


Sunday Confessions

linking up with Alyx for Sunday Confessions
Once again....shoulda went to church, but didn't.
I'm obsessed with Pier 1.  Seriously.  And it's not like I spend too much money in there.  I just could spend hours browsing.  We went grocery shopping yesterday in "the big town" and I made my husband drive past Pier 1 without stopping.  Thank goodness, I've not even come close to maxing out my credit card.
I'm obsessed with things that smell good.  Wax melts.  Candles.  Pier 1 Reed Diffusers.  Bath and Body Works Wallflowers.  Right now, I've got so many smelly things going in my house (including a pot roast cooking), that the smells are kinda getting to me just a bit.
I'm obsessed with alcohol.  And not the rubbing kind.  What's up with that?  My husband even bought me a recipe book for alcholic beverages for Christmans.... I'm not an alcoholic.  I'm not a drinker.  I would have my favorite, a Triple Berry Mojito, at TGIFriday's when we would go out, but other than that, I don't drink.  Been there...done that kind of thing.  But for whatever reason, I want an alcoholic beverage lately to calm my nerves.  Sorry to say, my nerves need calming more in the past months than ever before.  What can I say....
I'm obsessed with my hair!  Always changing colors.  I can't get it the way I want it.  I like blonde hightlights, but it dries out my hair.  I hate dark hair on me, but that's what I did to it yesterday.  Dyed it dark mahogany brown.  It's healthier I suppose, but I don't like it.  Makes me look pale, which then makes me hate my makeup.....  never ending.....  LOL
I have been obsessed with losing weight, but I've only gotten so far as talking about it up until Friday.  I spent $XXX.XX on some products that I'm excited to get started on.  I am hoping for a miracle.....and losing 20 pounds.  I did start Wednesday back working out on my elipticle.  So, I guess that's better than nothing.
I'm obsessed with my laptop.  Could spend hours on it and not accomplish a thing.  Not like I have an agenda of things I need to do on the internet, but at any given time after work, if I'm not at a basketball game, you will catch me on the laptop.....with all that being said, I suck at blogging, facebooking, twitter (don't do it) and pinterest (don't do that either) what the heck do I do on here?  that's a very good question.
and speaking of basketball....HALLELUJAH!  I've been obsessed with ball season being over and it is!  woo hoo.
Until next time.....I hope everyone has a great week!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Last game....Thank you Lord

Last night was the last game of the season
I hate to admit it, but I've never been so glad to see something end.

This has been a rough season for many reasons.  The coach sucks.  The games suck.  The people suck.  The parents suck.  Basketball fans suck.  Basketball moms suck.  My husband sucks for going to the games with me, but then complaining because he's not home in bed by 9 p.m.  My son's attitude sucks and now my attitude sucks.   All in all....I'm glad it's over........

My son has made basketball his whole life, but this season has left him discouraged and beat down.
When he played for Junior High,two years ago, he was a starter and he helped carry the team.  He made amazing shots, and some buzzer beater, winning shots....he was proud.  He played strong.  He was confident. 
But then something happened on the way to Senior High.

Last year, as a sophomore moving up to Senior High, he barely played, as the team had more than it's fair share of Senior boys that stole the show.  Those senior boys were good.  In fact, they were awesome.  Carried the team to State.  My son sat and watched.  He looked up to the older boys.  He admired them and often spoke of them with pride in his voice.

Read here about Senior night last year.

He watched.
He waited.
He waited with fierce determination...that this year, he would be one of those boys.

So here we are.  Last night was the last game of a very stressful and disappointing season.
In more ways than one.  It's been a losing season for all of the boys.  There were times they gave their all, and times they may should have played harder.
They lost hope.
they lost ambition.
They lost determination.

and my son only started the first 3 games.

He's not a coach's son.  He's not a teacher's son.  His parents are not friends with his coach.  His parents don't keep score.  They don't sit on the bench with the boys and keeps stats for the team.  His parents don't kiss ass, and they don't suck up.  Now, I'm not saying that this is what qualifies you to start on the team, but it sure doesn't hurt apparently......(just sayin')

Now...about the coach.
Not only does he have a record (and I don't mean as a musician....)
this man, that our school board hired several years ago, was picked up more than once for soliciting prostitution.  and not ony THAT, he's a horrible, mean, angry man and he takes it out on these boys.
they all despise him.....  Hmm.... imagine that.

This coach beat our boys down so bad, that none of them wanted to play.  And it showed in their performance.

Here I am, rattling on......

did I mention that last night was the last game of the season?
did I also mention that my son started last night?

Yes......amazingly enough.  My son started and played the majority of the game.
and we won.  Barely.  But it's a win and I'll take it.

It was a good night.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's okay

Its Ok Thursdays
linking up with Amber because it's Thursday, and It's okay's okay to be the end of January and I've not worked out once's okay to be mad at the coach because my son doesn't play as much as I think he should's okay that I'm not a people person's okay that I sleep on the couch's okay to say my dog irritates me's okay that I don't care about the Super Bowl but will watch it for the commercials's okay to have the blahs's okay to go mix an alcoholic beverage (right now) to calm my nerves

Monday, January 28, 2013

getting nowhere, on the road to somewhere

I am on my way
but I don't know where
I just know I'm headed there
I'm a little lost.  Lost.
Lost on my way to somewhere.
or maybe going nowhere.

I'm getting nowhere, while looking for my place
A place to belong.
It isn't here.  But it isn't there.
it is somewhere. 
I just don't know where.
The road ahead is much like the one behind me
And it's scary.  Scary lonely.
I think I will never find my way
A way out
Out of here.  Out of this place
 I don't belong
I don't want to be here
I long for friendly faces
    new places
A place for me.  Right for me.
I'm on my way
but I don't know where
I'm on a long road
and getting nowhere.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Sunday Confessions

linking up this week with Alyx for Sunday Confessions
I hate grocery shopping, but I must do this today. 
I'm disappointed that my appointment for Wednesday has been moved out to March.  My tooth has been killing me and I'm just ready to get it out!
I am sick of neighborhood living and the neighbor's lights.  Seriously.  The neighbors behind us have security lights on every corner of their house, which for some reason come on at dark and stay on all night.  They are so bright, they light up our house.  (aggravating when trying to sleep)  The neighbors across the street have about 15 lights on the front of their house, PLUS, a big security light over the garage that rotates....yes, it rotates.  So needlesstosay it looks like an airport landing strip.  After dark, our house lights up every 20 seconds, then goes dark get the idea, right? 
4 more regular season basketball games left and I will be so glad when it's over.  This season has not been a good one, for many reasons.
I've got the fever for Spring....but I'm not ready.  I still have some pounds to lose.....
I'm lazy

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

I was working my second job, at the video rental store.  
It was late afternoon....
Not much going on.  It was kinda slow, and I was a little bored.
Then you walked in.
You, and your children.
They walked around....he, looking for a game (of course) and she, some sort of little girl chick flick.
and you......  you and your blue eyes.
your macho walk.
your macho look.
your macho talk.
and that old ragged Chicago Bulls, #23 jersey-shirt.
You were sweaty, and ragged....but so HOT.
You were covered in HOT
I knew a little about you.  But not enough.
You were so confident....arrogant....HOT
We talked...
...I knew
Those little voices were telling me....
I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Friday, January 25, 2013

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it sweet time
lyrics by Gary Allan
"Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

Thursday, January 24, 2013

somewhere between a colonoscopy and bad teeth

We are nearing the end of January and already, I'm on top of my New Year's Resolution. I thought for a long time about what I wanted to accomplish in 2013. I teeter-tottered back and forth, and like most people, I always came back to the weight thing. Eat better, lose know the drill. In the end, I just decided to put it all out there and narrow it, I decided I would just work on  myself.

How hard could that be, right? 
What was I thinking?  I had to pick the impossible!
I may as well had vowed to end world hunger....or achieve world peace.

To work on myself involves many things....from overall health, to my sanity (or lack of), and peace of mind.

So, for starters, I had a colonoscopy.  Yes, a colonoscopy.  Who has THAT on their list of things to do????  You may wonder what this has to do with working on myself....  a lot, let me tell you.  I've been having issues for a long time, so to rule out anything serious, this was the first item of business.   After being a complete nervous wrech for the 3 weeks leading up to this big event, it's over and everything turned up fine.  It eased my mind a little but still have a couple of unanswered questions, like.....

What the hell is wrong with me?????  Why is THIS happening?????, the plan was to find out what exactly is wrong....maybe another doctor or a specialist but before I could come up with a plan, I started having a tooth ache.  It wasn't unbearable at first, but by now, it's got to go!  I admit, my teeth are horrible.  It's a wonder I have any teeth at all, to be honest.  I wasn't blessed with healthy teeth, and add to that, the fact that my parents didn't give a darn about my teeth when I was growing up, I've always had problems, yet have managed to stay away from the dentist as much as possible.... I would really just like to have them all pulled and get falsies.  BUT, apparently, most of my teeth are good...just not pretty.  Anyhoo.....
this tooth H.U.R.T.S.   I noticed a tiny cavity on the side, so I called the dentist and they worked me in today.  I pointed out the reason for my pain and the dentist picked and prodded at my tooth and gums, and said, "you think that's why your tooth is hurting?"

Well, Yeah.   You see that black spot?   That's a cavity, isn't it?

"Oh yes, but darlin'.... here's why your tooth hurts."

and he showed me a big frkn hole.....My tooth is just a shell of a tooth.  There is absolutely nothing under the enamel shell....just a hole.  Yucky!   He said he's amazed that the tooth hasn't just shattered at some point while I'm eating.  Great.

So, during this visit, I begged him to pull this tooth PLUS all my uppers.  And he promised me that he would not do that.  Hey, I will pay you!!!

He said "at 47, you are much too young and pretty to look like THIS" (and he sucked in his cheeks as if to have no teeth).

Uhm, Ok, that's not too pretty, Mr Dentist.  Stop it!

I showed him a couple of other tooth concerns and in the end, I'm having 4 teeth pulled next week.  2 upper back teeth, one lower and one crooked, dead tooth right in the front.  Yep, right in the front. 

He asked me if I had enough vacation days to take off work until I get my partial plate and I told him I plan on working....just taking off to go to the Oral Surgeon for the extractions....
He was surprised and asked if I was going to walk around, and go to work with a tooth missing in the front and I said YES.... I'm not scared.

He said, "but won't you be embarrassed?  You will have a tooth missing!  In the front!"

I didn't tell him that a few years ago, I left work on a Thursday flat chested, with an A-cup and came back on Tuesday, with a 36C cup, so I think I might can handle being snaggle toothed for a few days.
(true story) 

All in all, I will be glad to get my mouth issues taken care of, but it was farther down on my list of things to do this year.  Guess other things will be put aside for now.

I'm wondering why it's so much trouble and so expensive and time consuming just to exist?  I mean, seriously.   This is crazy.

I will be slowly making my way down my list this year....I should hopefully feel better by year's end.
at least, that is my goal.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

love your kids

a shooting in New Mexico. A 15 year old boy shot and killed 5 people in their home. a 15 year old!!!!!...(ahem), let me say that again..... 
I am gonna take a risk and put this out there....In my opinion, the very first step to this GUN CONTROL ISSUE, starts at home. Parents, love your children, but for heaven's sake, discipline their defiant butts every now and then. Set limits. Teach them rules and guidelines. And don't lock them in their rooms to be taught the ways of the world with video games......
that's just my 2 cents. It's not a solution, but it's a start. Sorry if I offend anyone. I'm just sick of seeing this on the news.
The above paragraph was my facebook post yesterday.  It must have struck a nerve, as I had more Likes than ever before.  I think all 12 friends did a thumbs up...
I think we all agree....things are getting out of hand.
If I hear of one more shooting, I swear, I will scream...  Seriously.
I don't know how to say it any other way than to just put it out blunt....say it like it is....
Parents, get your frkn head out of your ass and pay attention to your children.
This won't fix everything.  It certainly will not solve all the problems, but can't we agree it's the best place to start?  It's not the teachers, doctors, preachers, lawmakers, congress or the President's starts at H.O.M.E.
and that doesn't mean use video games to do it!
There I said it!  I'm sorry....but this is a touchy subject with me.  I can't stand to see the way kids are these days.  And worst yet, I can't stand to see how some parents are.  This, in part, has to do with my dear husband....
His parenting skills suck, and I've just about had enough of this as well.
do you know how hard it is to sit back and watch..... it's hard.
It's hard enough that, adding that to our already present issues, I am about drained.

My promise to my children

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I want to take the test again....I want a re-do

Remember when you were in school
Remember taking tests?
Remember how you study and study.
and finally, you think you know the answers.
You take the test.
And you find you didn't do so well?
Then, the teacher goes over the test and gives you all the answers.
You review it and think to yourself how you should have known those answers all along?
How could you not have known that, right?
Then you wish more than anything you could take the test again?
But you can't.
Well, that's where I'm at right now, only it's not a test.
It's life.  My life.

I feel like the past several years have been a test.
And I have failed miserably.
Please teacher....can I take the test again??????

I have all the answers now.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

beautiful in black and white

We all strive to beautiful......Ok, maybe that's not such an accurate statement.
Perhaps strive isn't the correct word.  You know, as women, we all (at some point) want to be beautiful?

I don't know about you, but I certainly do. 

I hate the camera.  I've never been one to like or participate in having my picture taken.  If someone brings out a camera, you will see me take off running for cover.  Seriously.  Although, I have learned that beauty can easily be found in black and white.

Get this....

have you seen the commercials on TV? 
I'm talking about the L'Oreal commercials.
The Cover Girl commercials.

If you have paid any attention at all, there are some that air in black and white.
Check this out for yourself......

I love love love PINK!!!  Not Pink the color....Pink, the singer/sonwriter
I love everything about her..... 
I have always thought she was beautiful. 
Look beyond the spiked blonde hair.
Look passed the tattoos.
Beyond the bad-A** attitude....

I admit I would never in a million years think of Pink as a Cover Girl.  But she is. 
Would you ever picture pink looking like this?  I wouldn't.
Pink....a Cover Girl? 
She's just not that type, right?   Oh was I so wrong!  She is beautiful. 
Did ya notice?.....she's in black and white.

Yep.  Black and White totally changes her look.

Yes, I hate the camera.  We just don't get along.
But, if they could all be in black and white, then I will turn all "super model" on you....

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Please....i beg you. Don't hire my past

We all know that one sure way to get over your past is to stay away from your past.

Am I right?


today, I had the fear that my past was going to show up at the only place I have peace. 

There is a place I go every day and I'm able to get away.  I'm able to put the past behind me.  I'm able to breathe.  It's just me.  I don't have to deal with life's issues.  I don't have to be reminded of my failures.  I don't have to think about where I've been...where I'm going.

It's my office.

For five days a week.  Eight hours a day, I'm able to escape life.

Most people dread work.  I don't.  I love my job.  I love my boss (es).  Though there are times I could just walk out and never look just takes me a few seconds to realize how lucky I am.  I would not trade my job for any other.   I would not trade my boss for any other. 

but today....... in the early morning hours, my day was ruined.

I got word that my ex husband was being escorted around the facilities.  This (to me) could only mean that he was being considered for a job......  This (to me) meant the end of my peaceful little world I had come to know and love so well.

How dare he.
how dare he invade MY space.
How dare he make his way in to MY world.
how dare he steal my peace of mind.

Unless you know him, you can't possibly know or understand my concerns.  I could never work in peace again.  E.V.E.R.

this was just another reminder of how I don't need to be in this town. 
I can't escape.....I can't escape the people.
and I want to.
so bad

Too many mistakes.
Ok...too many exes....
Too many memories.
it's not my town.
It's their town.

there is always going to be someone....something....that won't let me be.

Finally, at the end of the day,
I found peaceful little sanctuary remains just that.....MY SANCTUARY.......and I can breathe again.

Thank you Lord.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

vowing to change

I don't even know where to start.  I have so much I want to change.  So much to say.
but I'm going to start with a conversation I had with my dear mother just yesterday.

Unless you know my history, you can't even begin to know the issues I have with my mother.  Actually, my entire family is dysfuntional.  I could write many a post about my family.  But for today, it's all about what she said to me. 

We've barely spoke to each other over the past few years.  I'm sure over time, I will get into the details, but she texted me yesterday morning asking me to call her if I wasn't busy.  I discussed this with my husband.....

should I call her?

should I ignore her?

Given my history with my mother, he advised me to just leave it alone.

but, hoping for the best, I called her anyway.

It started off well, but ended with her telling me that she knows I am unhappy, but I have no one to blame but myself....


we weren't even talking about me......but she had to throw that in there, as usual.  She's never been one to offer support.  Only criticism.   I am 47 and she's still doing it to me.

My mother....a story in itself.  For another day.

For now, it's about me.  Me and my misery.
Me and my facing the truth. 


ok....I do not need my own mother telling me that my misery is my own fault.
I totally get it.

I have known this for a long time.  But what's done is done.  I can't change it now.

What have I done, you may wonder?

I married.  Yep.  I married someone that is totally wrong for me.  and it's not the first time.
In fact, I have more than one failed marriage.
Why would I do such a thing?  Because!  Single mothers cannot make it in this world alone.  I needed help just to survive.

I have a good job.  But I never got child support because my ex and I share custody and in all honesty, we pay equal on things. (sometimes, he paid out more)  I don't feel like I ever deserved support.  I never got alimony.   I am not rich.  I don't have parents helping me.  I don't have a "sugar daddy".   I did everything ON MY OWN and it was hard.  Though my job pays well, it is not enough to live on my own and support a son....


that is my big horrible mistake that's all my fault. 

You may be thinking ....  that's all?  what's the big deal?

maybe it's not a big deal, but it causes misery on a daily basis for me.
He's not so bad, my husband, I mean.
He's just not right for me. 

My husband....another story for another day perhaps.

We get along in little spurts.  Then he should go his way, and I go mine.
Add his kids and his parenting skills to the mix...and's just not for me.

So...there you have it.  My marriage mistake is my fault.  I don't deny it.
My other failed marriages....maybe those are my fault too.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm not meant to be married.
and I am damn sure not meant to be a stepmother.

But here I am.....after 3-1/2 years of marriage to this man....and all the issues with him and his kids, I'm left trying to figure out what to do next.  What my options are, if any.

i had the best intentions.