Friday, February 15, 2013

why I do what I do

Ok....  bear with me my fellow followers.   I am a poor soul, under the influence once again.  Pathetic?  Yes Probably, but I can't deal with life.  It sucks and I don't want to be here...right here where I am at this very moment.  Don't get me wrong, please.....I want to live!  I crave life....just not H.E.R.E.

As I've mentioned somewhere before...  in another blog, another post, or somewhere, I have failed marriages.  And I'm not proud of it.  In fact, it 's the very thing that shames me and makes me a total nut case most days.  I can't get past this fact.  I am a screw up.  I can't do it right.  I don't think I will ever get past this and learn to live with what I have done.... 

But let me fill you in on some things.......

Why I do what I do....

As I am sitting here now.....writing this blog post, I am also cooking a meal for my husband and his two kids.  My son is not here, as I had MY week with him this past week.  Tonight, he goes back to his dad's house.  It is my husband's weekend with his kids.  I live for my son.  When he is here, life is good.  When he's gone, it sucks and I have to actually deal with life.  If that makes sense....  it makes sense to me.....

There was a time when I was single, I wouldn't be sitting here on the laptop, much less cooking a meal.  I never knew where my next meal was coming from.   In fact, I only had food in my house when my son was with me.   And in those times, I had to put off a bill or two, just to have the money for food.  That's the only time you would find anything whatsoever in my cupboards.  And even then, it was just what I needed for each meal, each night of the week.  Other than than, I would divide a can or two of corn up for each night of the week, for me to eat when it was just me.   Corn.  I lived on corn.  I was so skinny.  People didn't know the real reason I was skinny.  It wasn't because that's just how I was because I couldn't afford to eat.

do you know what it's like to have your child with you and only have the necessities?  no snacks.  No splurging on a take-out meal.   No going to the movies, like he and his dad did.  No shopping.  No nothing.  We sat at home when he was with me.  And heaven forbid he ever want to have a friend over.  I would panic at the though of having to feed another child.  But I managed.  I would do without to provide for him.  He learned that it was boring at mom's house.....

Do you know what it's like to be so broke you can't even go to the basketball games to watch your son play?  I would always say I felt bad.....was sick...... or whatever I could say, to excuse myself from not being at the game.  I couldn't tell anyone I didn't have the $5 to get in the game.....or the gas money to drive an hour away to a game.  People don't understand that....especially a teenage boy or his father, or his "other family".....  In the end, I've become known as the parent that didn't give a damn about my son, all because I wasn't at the ballgames......or don't take him on vacation.....or do fun things with him.....

Here's a fun experience.....

I remember one evening, I came home from work.  Parked my car in the garage, and proceeded up the steps to go into my house.  And there, on my porch steps was a big box.  I mean a BIG BOX.  I had no clue what it was.... I took it in, and opened it up and immediately, began to cry.  I was embarrassed, tho no one was around..... it was a box of food.  Canned food.  Vegetables.  Meats.....crackers....etc.  Instead of being grateful, I was ashamed and wanted to tell the person that left it to never do that again...that I'm ok....that I don't need help.... but that all would have been a lie.   I had to face the fact that I was poor.  Poor and single.  It was sad.

Then one time before Christmas, I had a knock at my door.  It was a local church, collecting canned goods and non-perishable items for needy families.  I was embarrassed..... I went to my cupboards..... nothing.  Fridge......nothing.  I had nothing to give.  I looked and looked....  I was so embarrassed.  I didn't want to go back to these young kids and tell them that I had nothing to give.  What would they think of me?  Didn't they know that I was also needy?  They come asking me for stuff, when I need stuff?  But I did..... I had to go and tell them I had nothing.  They walked away....and I cried.  And cried.  And cried. 

I couldn't even give to the needy,...... because I was also needy.

I am not poor.  I don't consider myself poor.
I wasn't raised poor.  No one in my family is poor.

But as a single mother, I am poor....
I was poor

I would make it as best I could, then when it got really bad, I gave in and would marry whoever would have me.  I call it survival....then reality would set in.....  I would be miserable, then do whatever I could to run away.  Get out.  

this is where I am now.   Wanting that way out....though I am poor alone.

Misery sets in.  And I realize I am stuck

If I want to eat.  If I want my son to eat.
If I want to be able to afford anything at all....
If I want to survive,
this is where I have to be.

Do you honestly know what that feels like?

Let me tell you.....IT SUCKS!

Being married means survival.  Plain and simple.
I try it on my own....and I fail.

Do you know what that feels like?

So.... after 3-1/2 years here....I've resorted to drinking as a way of coping.  And I've only just started that in the past couple of months.
It's Sad really.
But thank God my son is back with his father tonight....
for what kind of example am I?

don't get me wrong..... I don't do this when my son is here.  My son keeps me grounded.
It's only when he's not here that I stoop to this level.

Judge me....  that's ok. 
what do you know about survival?
Real life?


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